I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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