Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
