i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
