I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
