Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
