what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
