video games are the ultimate cock blocker
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
