I feel like abortions should bother me more
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
