I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
