Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
