I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
