First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
