goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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