My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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