the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
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