am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
