She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
