I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
