I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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