she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
