So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
