Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
