So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
