If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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