My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
