dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
