I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
