Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
