the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
