you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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