Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
