I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
