if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
