I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
