the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
