just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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