If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
