Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
