Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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