Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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