I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
