did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
