and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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