I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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