How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
whose ass print is on the piano?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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