i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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