a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
