Do you still have your period?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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