I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
