you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Randomize
