Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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