So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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