It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
